ethnicity and identity, pt 1
Traveling as a non-Latina brown American from Lima to Quito to Bogotá over the past few days has made me think a lot about ethnicity and identity so here ya go:
Meeting so many new people in a relatively short period of time has also meant having to launch into descriptions about my ethnicity at least three times a day since last Tuesday. Guesses that I've received regarding my ethnicity while in Quito and Bogotá include: Colombian, Dominican, and Mexican. Generally, saying that I'm from the States warrants a: "But where are your parents from?" in a not-so-subtle attempt to figure out why I'm not white and blond. And then comes the best part, when I explain to people that I'm half Indian and suddenly everyone wants a complete explanation of Indian food, religions and customs and I have to explain to them that I literally know nothing about being Indian (thanks mom) which usually results in people laughing at me and asking how it's possible that I know nothing and then we thankfully change topics.
Today I had a conversation with my friend Silvia where we talked about ethnicity, identity, and "home". For me, I have a very difficult time identifying where I consider home to be (physically). When people ask where I am from in the States I have no idea what to say. Do I say I was born in Indiana? Then moved to Kentucky? Then to Boston? Then to St. Louis? Or that with my dad I've lived in Indianapolis, Houston, Ft. Worth, and Dallas? Do I just say I'm from Texas? Given how strong Texas identity is that just seems disingenuous of me so I don't really know. And then nationality-wise I am of course American; this identity is something that I almost exclusively am aware of while outside of the country. However, at the same time growing up with a mother who grew up in India and Kenya and whose family lives scattered throughout India, Kenya, Ireland and Scotland creates a very shallow sense of roots and a lot to be desired in terms of feelings of "belonging" within what is technically your own country. Silvia expressed feeling similarly, as her parents are both from different regions of Mexico and she was also born there before moving with her family to the States when she was 5. Basically, she feels as though she has one foot in Mexico and one in the States but isn't really fully present in either.
As people without defined roots, we talked about how little pieces of us are scattered all over. For both of us studying abroad was fairly easy adjustment-wise because, though of course we missed our friends and families, neither of us necessarily felt home-sick because being "home" in the US doesn't even feel like home in the first place. Studying abroad also complicates ones sense of home because after growing so much in one place a little piece of your heart sets up permanent residency there, making it very difficult to return to the US. However, as Silvia pointed out, in some ways not having defined roots is a really beautiful thing because it means that home is dependent on where the people you love are and thus you can establish roots and a sense of home nearly anywhere.
----- As a side note, all of this makes me wonder: does anyone have a "secure" identity?? Is the idea of identity a myth??? Or is it just a luxury that immigrant kids/kids of immigrants don't have access to?? ------
To be 100% honest, in this conversation I also felt a kind of sad envy. This is in part because Silvia speaks Spanish fluently and therefore is able to enjoy alllllllll that Latin America has to offer while I feel like I'm out here bumbling through social interactions and simple tasks like asking for directions. I also found myself feeling so, so envious of her sense of identity. Though she of course feels a tug between the US and Mexico, she can still confidently and comfortably claim her identity as Mexican. She was born in Mexico, speaks Spanish with her family, has a Mexican accent, and knows about Mexican food/slang/other cultural things as Mexico obviously has a presence in her household. Of course, I am totally over-simplifying Silvia's identity and this is 120% what I am observing as an outsider looking in (lol sorry if this is super inaccurate Silvia) -- but I am an outsider who would love so so so very much to actually be able to claim one identity. I feel like I am in a constant state of limbo. I see how much joy spending time within identity groups and bonding over shared experiences brings to my friends of different races and ethnicities and I want that sooOOOOooOooo badly.
It's kind of pathetic to admit but I am realizing now, retroactively, that one of the biggest reasons why I was drawn to Spanish is because for my entire life people have labeled me (most frequently) as Latina and for once I wanted to just be able to fit with some kind of label. Being in Latin America is in some ways a breath of fresh air because I can just walk around and live my life basking in the glory of looking like the people around me. On the other hand, it's also an isolating experience because at the end of the day I'm not Latina, my Spanish is not fluent, and when I do speak I have an American accent -- thus I am very much an outsider.
A few weeks ago my mom sent me an episode of Code Switch, an NPR podcast about race, called "Racial Imposter Syndrome." They describe racial imposter syndrome as feeling fake or inauthentic in your identity. The episode consists of comments from bi-racial and multi-cultural people as well as conversations with social scientists about the basic need for belonging and the role language plays in identity. Listening to it was so beautiful that it almost made me cry because for the first time (possibly in my life???) I heard from other bi-racial people about their experiences with feeling guilty and disingenuous for the simple act of claiming their ethnicity, as well as isolated both within and outside of their supposed identity groups.
In pt2 of this post I am planning on providing a lil commentary on the episode.
At the end of the day I love my mixed up identity and it has come to form a huge part of who I am, but sometimes I really wish I could just comfortably belong to one group.
That's all for now -- if you are mixed race or multicultural and have ever found yourself feeling this way I would 10/10 recommend listening to that episode of Code Switch. I could use about 20 more episodes like it. Does anyone know of any podcasts specifically about mixed race or multicultural identities? And if not would anyone wanna start one with me? 😏